“But he had so many friends, they said, on hearing the news” – these words by Brian Bilston got me thinking recently about something I have felt often: loneliness.
Loneliness is portrayed as a bad thing, and it’s something I have often felt embarrassed about feeling. So much so that I’ve never really spoken that openly about it. We’re taught from a young age that having lots of friends is something you should aspire to, that being accepted and liked by lots of other people means you must be doing something right and if you find yourself alone, that means your somehow ‘uncool’ and ‘unlikable’.
This is a belief I definitely subscribed to at school, and sadly one that many people still do, particularly during those school years. It seems to me that a lot of people are constantly trying to prove they are anything but lonely, especially on social media. They’ll post pictures of themselves surrounded by people, looking like they’re having the time of their lives – don’t get me wrong I’m sure they were having the time of their lives with their friends at the time and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that, in fact, that’s a great thing – but is that their reality all of the time? Definitely not. Are they lying on their sofa in their pyjamas alone while they’re posting that picture? Probably. I’m totally guilty of doing this too sometimes, and there’s no shame in it, I just think it’s important for us to remember that although it might look like someone is constantly surrounded by friends on social media, that might not actually be the case the majority of the time.
This need to show everyone how ‘popular’ we are can be damaging. And actually, so is the idea that someone is less worthy because they have less friends. We are all different and unique in our own ways, some people are extroverts who love to be surrounded by people and have eyes on them, some people are introverts and prefer to spend their time alone or with a few select people. These differences are what make humans so interesting and beautiful, and being one or the other does not make anyone more or less worthy. There’s a place for everyone and that should be recognised.
It’s also completely possible to feel lonely even when you’re surrounded by people. Just because someone is accepted and liked by a lot of people does not mean that they’re not suffering inside. If you’re having to pretend to be someone you’re not in order to gain that acceptance, that can be the most lonely place in the world.
I have felt loneliness many times throughout my life and I’m lucky enough to have had great family and friends around me a lot. When I say I feel lonely, I’m not saying that I don’t have anyone, because I do, it’s more a feeling of not being understood, and I think all humans can relate to that.
I also think that being lonely isn’t necessarily always a bad thing. I think it’s really important to spend time alone. So many people don’t take the time to get to know themselves without the outside influence of other people – if you don’t spend any time alone how will you ever know what your own opinions truly are?
Over the years I’ve come to love spending time on my own, but that hasn’t always been the case. When I was going through my worst phase of anxiety and depression, I couldn’t bare to be alone. I would feel ok as long as someone else was with me, but as soon as I was alone with my own thoughts I’d spiral into a panic. After seeking help through counselling I realised that I’d never taken the time to get to know myself, make peace with who I am and learn to love that person. At the end of the day, you can’t change who you are or the experiences that have happened to you, and if you’re always trying to push them away and be someone else, you’re not going to want to spend time alone and you’re definitely not going to like yourself very much. It’s taken me a while to accept who I am and find out what makes me, me. I think it’s also very much a lifelong journey, not a destination. But wherever you are on that journey, just know that there’s always more work you can do and even more self love and self knowledge to come.
Once you start to realise this, spending time alone doesn’t feel so lonely anymore! It’s also really important to realise that how you look at being alone changes it completely – are you lonely or spending time in solitude? Loneliness suggests that you’re alone not out of choice, but solitude suggests something more positive, like freedom. I know that I usually feel most comfortable when I’m alone, as it means I’m not trying to impress anyone and I can truly just be me. Although I think it’s super important to have friends you feel like this around too!
Whether we admit it or not, I think we all feel lonely at times and that’s totally ok. There should be less pressure for us to seem ‘popular’ and maybe if this was the case more people would be less reluctant to admit if they’re struggling with loneliness and maybe more lives could be saved. I also think that doing things alone should be more normalised, so take yourself out on a solo date and enjoy getting to know you! It’s cliche but the longest relationship you’ll ever have is with yourself and I think that a huge part of living a healthy, happy life is getting comfortable with yourself, being able to spend time alone and embracing who you are.
anxiousgirltravels 