I originally planned to write a blog about my journey with exercise this week, but I promised myself that I was going to be 100% authentic on this blog and use it to share my real experiences around mental health, so instead I’m going to give an honest account of how the past couple of days have been for me. It’s not the prettiest subject to talk about, but it’s how I really feel and I don’t want to be another person only showing their highlights and pretending that the messiness doesn’t exist. Because it does and I think it’s worth talking about.
Up until the last 2 days, I’ve actually been feeling really well in myself. Despite everything going on in the world, I’ve been feeling happy and positive in general. After experiencing severe anxiety and depression for a while in 2017, I feel like I have learnt so much about myself and developed some really great coping mechanisms for when those dark thoughts do occasionally start to creep back in. But wow, was I hit hard by them the past couple of days. It crept up on me. I think I first noticed it when I woke up one morning feeling more reluctant than usual to get out of bed, but I shrugged it off and didn’t think about it again until I was sat at my desk and felt the sudden urge to cry for seemingly no reason at all. I acknowledged this feeling but pushed on with my day. Of course, this feeling continued to persist throughout the day, but I told myself to stay calm and ‘sleep it off’.
When I woke the next morning feeling even more reluctant to get out of bed, that’s when the darkness really started to take hold. That’s the only way I can describe it really, a darkness that makes it increasingly difficult to see the light, to see the good in life instead of the bad. Everything just seems harder and when my brain starts telling me I’m not worthy, I tend to start believing it. I’m not writing this to be dramatic, I’m just done with pretending to be ok all the time, this is my reality sometimes and I’m sure I’m not alone in this. It’s not something to be scared of, actually the more you fear it the more it can control you. I think it’s about facing up to it and learning what you can do to turn the light back on again.
The great part about all of this is that I now have the self awareness to recognise when I’m spiralling into this darkness and I know what I can do to make myself feel better. I know that taking care of myself when I feel like this – even the smallest things like making sure I have a shower and eat enough – and reaching out to friends will always immediately make me feel better. I also feel super lucky to have amazing people in my life who care about me enough to listen and not belittle my feelings, and who go through similar things themselves so understand where I’m coming from. The beauty of it is there always seems to be someone I can reach out to who is currently in a really good place mentally and when I’m feeling good in myself I know I can be that person for someone else.
I guess my reason for sharing this is to show that although someone might look happy, you never know what they’re really going through internally. The darkness can always creep back in BUT it is possible to learn how to deal with it. The first time I experienced this darkness, I thought there was no way I would ever get through it, I couldn’t see a way out but I sought help and I got through it. I actually came out the other side so much stronger and now when it occasionally comes back I know how to deal with it. My point is there is ALWAYS a way out. There is ALWAYS an end to the darkness. I know that now and I think it shows that mental health support works. Writing this gives me so much hope because if I can learn this then so can anyone else who has struggled with their mental health, but openness and honesty are key.
Being human is not straightforward, it’s messy and unpredictable, but that’s also what makes it so great. Being able to feel so much means that we experience some real lows but it also allows us to feel joy beyond compare, and I’ll take that any day. So if you find the darkness creeping back in, just remember: it will pass, you will get through it and there is always something better waiting on the other side.
anxiousgirltravels 