I know I’m not alone in wondering where these last 8 months have gone. That’s practically a whole year (well two thirds if we’re getting precise about it), and I’m certainly not where I thought I’d be. 2020 has quite literally thrown every single plan out the window. If you thought you had it all figured out, this year has shown us that there really is no such thing. With threats of higher tiers, injustice all over the world, no sign that this madness is going to end any time soon and my 26th birthday looming (eek! can I not just start 25 again please?), I thought I’d check in and share some thoughts about the last 8 months, what I’ve learnt from it, how I’m coping and how it’s really affecting me.
If you’re anything like me, you were laughing at the people wearing masks at the start of March, completely sure that this was just another ‘swine flu’ scare that would pass as quickly as it came. How wrong were we? I genuinely can’t believe this has all been going on for 8 months now and the reality is, it might go on for quite some time longer.
BUT it’s not all bad. I truly believe that this is all happening for a reason – to wake us up. One good thing I’ve noticed is how many people seem to be connecting back to nature. I’ve never seen so many people keen to spend their weekends walking, hiking, swimming and spending time outside. I know it’s kind of because there’s a lack of other things to do, but I really think it’s a positive! Throughout this whole ‘lockdown’ time I’ve been making sure I get outside at least once every single day, and it honestly makes such a difference. I’ve definitely realised how important being close to nature is to me and it’s something that I want to prioritise moving forward.
I also think that exercise has become really important to a lot of people during this time. It seems like even people who never used to do any exercise have bought a bike, downloaded strava and are running miles every day. Jokes aside, I think this is another great thing to come out of this whole experience. For me, exercise is essential for my mental health and it’s so good to see so many people reaping the benefits.
However, in general, I don’t think the restrictions can be good for our collective mental health. Up until recently, I didn’t really feel like lockdown had had any negative effects on my mental health. I’m pretty good at spending time by myself so I didn’t feel like that was an issue and I’ve been keeping busy with work and different hobbies. But last week when I was getting ready to go for a meal out with friends, I suddenly realised the thought of actually leaving the house, putting on regular clothes and being in a space with quite a lot of other people made me feel quite anxious. I realised I’ve gotten a little too used to spending the majority of my time in the house and I don’t like it.
I just feel so ready to see something else now, to go somewhere new, meet new people and do new things! I miss the ocean so much my heart aches sometimes. Another realisation that I had recently was that in trying to stay so positive throughout lockdown and everything that’s been going on, I’ve failed to let myself mourn the loss we are all experiencing. The loss of travel, of adventure, of freedom. As important as it is to have a positive mindset, I think it’s also important to let ourselves feel whatever it is we’re feeling. And the reality is, I do feel sad about it.
I miss Bali – the place I thought I was going to be calling home right now. I miss waking up in the warm, sticky air, throwing a bikini on, jumping on my scooter and heading to the beach to check the waves. I miss feeling terrified to paddle out into that ocean every day, but doing it anyway. I miss the feeling of the warm water on my skin, sitting on my floating board and almost having to pinch myself because I can’t quite believe the view I’m seeing is real. And the sunsets! Wow, I miss those sunsets. I think about the last sunset I saw in Bali often, the soft lilac and pink fading gently into the ocean.
Although, those are only the good bits I’m remembering I guess. I’ve heard that the crime rate is going up and up in Bali – of course it is, Bali is starving. So, it’s not all tropical paradise over there. And actually, it makes me realise how lucky I am to be able to be here in the UK. Also, as much as I didn’t think I wanted to be back here, it has made a lot of things clearer for me.
I was living what I thought was my dream in Bali, but coming back here I’ve realised that actually I wasn’t completely fulfilled out there. I’ve realised that I want to be doing something more, helping more in some way. And I’ve found myself coming back to Psychology. After I graduated, I completely steered away from taking my Psychology degree any further. After experiencing severe anxiety and depression during my last year of university, I felt that I wouldn’t be able to cope with working in an area so close to home. But I’ve realised that talking about mental health is my passion.
Getting through that dark place I was in and coming out the other side stronger than I’ve ever been is the thing that I am most proud of, and I just want to help other people do the same. I listened to Jay Shetty on Fearne Cotton’s Happy Place Podcast recently and he said something along the lines of “find the thing you want to constantly read about and hear about, find the thing you can’t get enough of and do that”. I am completely obsessed with personal development, mindset, why we feel certain things and how we can mentally be the best we can be to thrive and live a healthy, happy life. It’s the thing I can’t get enough of. Now that I have done so much work on myself and my own mental health, and I feel stronger and capable, I want to learn as much as I can about it and how I can help other people to do the same.
I feel so sure that this is my purpose and I never would have had this realisation if I hadn’t come back to the UK. Now, I just have to figure out how I’m going to make this dream my reality (Masters applications come at me!). I think everything is happening as it should be and we are all on the right path. The world feels heavy and confusing and difficult right now, I’m not denying that. But I do think that whatever situation you find yourself in right now, you are exactly where you are meant to be and as hard as it might be to see it right now, you will find your way through it. Sometimes all you can do is take a deep breath and trust. I believe that everything is going to work out just fine and I hope after reading this that you might just believe that too.
anxiousgirltravels 