We’re all sick of hearing about it, I know. But the current situation is kind of unavoidable, as hard as I try. I’ve stopped watching the news completely, maybe that makes me naive. I don’t know, but I’m quite happy not to be completely up-to-date with it all. You hear enough from other people to get the gist of what’s going on anyway. Saying that, I’m not completely blocking it out. I’m doing my bit, like everyone else, staying inside as much as possible, only going out for one hour a day and avoiding human contact where where I can. And there’s no denying, it feels WEIRD.
I never imagined I would be back in my hometown right now, I was all set to make a life for myself in Bali and coming back was heartbreaking. I spend the majority of my days completely alone now and it’s quite a culture shock after getting used to being surrounded by friends, surfing at beautiful beaches every day and practically living in a bikini. But I am also aware that I have SO much to be grateful for and that my situation is so different to others. Yes, I miss Bali and the people I left there but I know how lucky I am to come from a country where we have good (and free) healthcare where the government is acting fast to try and recover this situation and is offering financial support. As much as I believe that we are all in this together, I am painfully aware that people are having extremely different experiences of ‘isolation’.
In saying that, I also think that no matter what your circumstances this is a hard time for everyone and everyone’s feelings are valid. I thought I might share my own feelings from the past few weeks in the hopes that it may help someone else feel a little less alone in this. I personally have a hard time dealing with change – and this has been a big one. I have not really experienced any of my old physical symptoms of anxiety for a couple of years now, but over the past few weeks I have noticed some of them starting to creep back up on me. I sometimes notice my heart beating hard in my chest, even though I’m sitting still or lying down and my breathing seems to be shorter and sharper than usual. These are telltale signs that I am feeling anxious. But the good thing is now I know this, can recognise it and then do something about it. For me, this is usually a sign that I need to slow down so I’ll often take a few deep breaths and do something that I know I will enjoy and will help me to relax – this often looks like reading a book, watching a movie, going for a walk or cooking a nice meal.
Despite the anxiety attacks, I’ve actually been having some really good days too, now that I have settled back in to being at home and accepted that I’m probably not going back to Bali any time soon. Some days I feel full of hope and positivity! Because as awful as this whole situation is, I really believe that it has happened for a reason and that a lot of good will come from this. We have all seen in the news the positive effects that slowing down has had on certain parts of the world. And that is exactly it – the world has been forced to slow down. I have never seen so many people enjoying the parks – cycling, walking, running, families playing football – it’s great. How many people probably never used to do one hour of exercise a day and now they’re getting out and getting active. Maybe it’s just me but there seems to be a feeling of calm and quiet. Plus, I’ve never seen so many people actually smile and say ‘hello’ when you pass them. I really hope that this will change the way people act for the better.
My emotions are completely up and down though. Sometimes my mood will change dramatically multiple times throughout the day – one minute I’ll feel great and the next I’ll want to cry. I guess it’s just a part of getting used to this new way of life. Recently, I have had more good days than bad and I’m thankful for that. Something that has really helped me is having some sort of routine. I’m not super strict with this and it changes according to how I feel but having a vague idea of how I will structure my day makes me feel more grounded. Waking up early and starting the morning with a steaming cup of coffee, a quick meditation, some journalling exercises and a slow stretch is my favourite way to start the day. It sets me up for what’s to follow – usually some work and then a run or walk and a workout. Cooking has also been great, I’ve even started baking my own sourdough bread! And of course, regular phonicalls with family and friends are a sure way to make you feel better and more connected.
Equally, if you feel the need to rest – rest. Some days just getting out of bed is enough. I’m also aware of this pressure to be super productive and learn 163738 new skills. It’s also ok to just survive right now. Do what feels best for you.
I think what I am learning throughout all of this, is not to take anything for granted. Because, you never know when things might end or what is just around the corner. Be present and find the good in every moment. Also, I’m realising what is really important in life, and I think it’s connection. Connections with other humans but also a connection with ourselves. Spending so much time alone is forcing me to really face myself and I think it’s a good thing, learning to be really comfortable in being alone. Basically, I have hope. So much hope in humanity. It might feel weird and uncomfortable now but I know we’ll get through this and come out stronger. Sending so much love to everyone. Stay safe!
anxiousgirltravels 