This is not something I have spoken about openly to many people, but I feel like the time is right to share it. Even if my story resonates with just one person, it was worth it. It’s time to stop hiding my story and feeding the shame that surrounds mental health. This experience was probably the biggest turning point in my life and it has made me who I am today. With the tragic death of Caroline Flack and the fact that according to the World Health Organisation, one person dies from suicide every 40 seconds in the UK. This statistic is jaw-dropping and the problem is only growing. We have to pull together to fight this epidemic. This is my story…
I’ve always been sensitive and emotional but in general, I was always a pretty happy kid. It all changed in 2016 when I got back from a 3 month trip around South East Asia. The trip was incredible but I came back to reality with a bump. I was going into my fourth and final year of university and the realisation that I had no idea what I was going to do when I finished was a hard pill for me to swallow. A lot of my friends had already graduated so I was feeling a little bit lonelier than usual and a bad experience with a guy who had lied to me didn’t help. I started to withdraw, I didn’t want to go out and found that I just had less energy than usual. Then I started getting heart palpitations, I would feel my heart beating so hard in my chest that I wouldn’t be able to think about anything else. I now know that this was a panic attack. The attacks started getting worse – to the point where I would be paralysed with fear, unable to speak or move. I would sit there in silence for hours at a time. I didn’t understand what was going on at first – I thought I was going crazy. I kept trying to pretend that nothing was wrong, trying to be ‘normal’ and didn’t tell any of my friends.
But it only got worse. I stopped eating, I couldn’t sleep. It got to a point where even getting out of bed and leaving the house was hard. With my knowledge of Psychology I came to realise that I was suffering from severe anxiety and I started to think about asking for help. One day I had made it to university to attend a lecture. I was sat next to a friend when a panic attack kicked in. All I knew was I had to leave that lecture hall immediately. My friend followed me knowing that something was wrong. When I told her what I was feeling she took me home where I broke down. My housemates realised that something was seriously wrong so I told them too. They were amazing. It must have been so hard to deal with but they were really there for me. I told them I was going to try and get it under control but it didn’t stop there. I would cry for hours at a time, unable to think about anything other than the pain I was feeling inside. It’s hard to describe a panic attack to anyone who hasn’t experienced one but the best way I can describe it is just that – pain. The purest pain you’ve ever felt. And it’s all over your body. And the worst thing is you can’t identify where the pain is coming from. It’s not like having a broken leg where you know what’s causing it.
Soon the depression kicked in. I was exhausted from being in this constant state of panic, to the point where I didn’t want to be alive anymore. I remember thinking that if every day for the rest of my life was going to feel like this, I didn’t want to do it anymore. I couldn’t do it anymore. I just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up. I realised that I needed help, and I needed it quickly. I was scared of where my mind was going and honestly I was worried about what I was going to do to myself. After resisting for weeks, I finally made a phone call to my mum. I told her I needed her to come and get me so she drove the 2 hours in the middle of the night, picked me up and took me home. I am so grateful to her for this. She saved me. Both of my parents were amazing actually. I don’t think they understood what was happening but I told them that I just needed them to look after me and they did, no questions asked. I am so thankful to have parents like this and I know how lucky I am.
The next day we went to the doctors, where I was told that I couldn’t be admitted to hospital because there were no beds available and the waiting time for counselling was 3 months. 3 MONTHS. I couldn’t wait that long, I needed help now. So my only choice was antidepressants. I was prescribed a high dose of citalopram as well as diazepam to take if I was having a panic attack. I have always been opposed to antidepressants as the research surrounding them is inconclusive and there is a risk that they could have made things even worse. But I was at a point where I just needed to do something. So I took them. Thankfully, they were exactly what I needed at the time. At first they made me pretty much like a zombie, but they took the edge off. They softened everything so I wasn’t in a constant state of panic anymore. I rested at my parents house for a week or so and slowly got used to the medication. I would still have panic attacks but they got shorter and less frequent. I started to eat and exercise again and eventually I felt strong enough to go back to university and be on my own again.
Luckily, I managed to turn it around pretty quickly. There was something in me that was determined to fight it. Something in me refused to let the depression win, refused to die. Every single day was a battle, but I kept going and slowly it got easier. I signed up for counselling sessions at my university. The waitlist was about 3 months again and you could only get 4 sessions – but it was better than nothing. My counsellor helped me to understand what I was going through and we started to explore some of the deeper reasons behind why this happened. She also taught me ways of dealing with my anxiety and depression, until eventually it stopped controlling my life and I started controlling it. Once you have experienced these feelings, they never completely go away. I still have days where it feels like a battle, but now I know how to deal with it. I can recognise the signs of my anxiety and depression now and know exactly how to overcome it. And if ever it does come back up I know that I can get through it, because I’ve already done it before! I feel so much stronger in myself now because of what I went through. I actually feel more alive and I am so so unbelievably grateful to be alive every single day. Because this life is SO GOOD. And no one should have to feel like this.
I think about people like Caroline Flack and the thousands of others who have sadly lost their lives to their battles with mental health, and I just think…that could have been me. If I hadn’t had the support system around me that I did and access to the medication and the services I received I wouldn’t be here. I feel so lucky every day. But so many people aren’t as lucky as me. This is an epidemic and we need to start pulling together to fight this. The fact that this is one of the biggest killers is a reflection of our world today and it makes me so angry. But hope is not lost. I am living proof that we can overcome this.
Writing this blog post and putting it out there is something that I needed to do for myself. So if nothing else at least I feel lighter because of it. But I really hope that it helps others too, even if it is just one person that needs to read this. YOU CAN ALWAYS GET THROUGH IT. If you’re reading this and just want someone to speak to please message me. There is always help!
Jess x
anxiousgirltravels 